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Cheezburger Network Blog
I AM THE FLATULENCE MACHINE!!
Which is why no one is getting near you.
*Farts*
WOW! Excuse me!
Lennox really needs to drop that line of appliances…
Is that a Lennox machine?
Yes, it’s very Eurhythmic.
The Chinese are always the first to invent anything! No fair!
The red button turns up the volume. Hold it until the green light comes on to turn it up to 11
Wow! none of the others go up to 11!!!
It is just that little bit more when you need it.
Why didn’t they just make 10 louder?
Because, it wouldn’t be 11.
Just what every woman needs to boost up their self-esteem!
That, and the breast implants.
I am still willing to help you with that….um….project.
Shadow’s a very hands-on kind of guy.
*Hands on*
*Hands still on*
I’m still waiting for a certain someone to notice….
It’s been more than an hour! How long am I going to wait?!
.
.
.
*Squeeze*
Ohhhh! So soft! *Squeezes again*
I am back! *turns light on, sees ShadowSplicer squeezing John*
Actually, I replied to YOUR comment, (not JohnB’s)
And anyways, I glued myself to your back before you left!
*Squeezes her again*
Yes you replied to my comment, but I was gone. I unglued you before I left. Lord knows I don’t want to be thinking of you when I am out of Engrish. I am glad several states separate us.
Also, if you are going to squeeze me, you only have permission to squeeze my hand. Anything else is out of limits.
Look, to put it bluntly, you are a kid. You are going to get somebody arrested if you persist with This Sort Of Thing.
I guess that I gotta stop then……
Feel inadequate no more!
So does the machine flatter you, or do you have to compliment the machine?
An auto-flatterer!! Whoa! Beyond my expectations, no less!! Gotta get one!
I see which machine you have!
Your lovely (?) is not as straight as you might think.
Well, yours is flatter.
Actually, vacuum pumps are employed for that purpose.
Someone stepped on it to get water.
I don’t care – straight, gay or undecided, I will love my lovely for what it is, just as it is.
Your lovely (?)?
It’s funny because flattery is sometimes called bootlicking. haw haw.
So they could have called it the Brown Nose Machine.
But you have a yellow nose! Silly B!
Actually JohnB doesn’t seem to have any nose.
“I say I say I say, our JohnB doesn’t have a nose.”
Uhh…Dr Handle, neither do you.
No, the correct response is,
“Really? How does he smell?”
To which I reply, “Oh, just dreadful!”
*tish-BOOM!*
*Clonk*
I have the only avatar with a nose!! HAHAHAHA!
Not even Meowth has a nose! That makes ME the top cat!
You don’t have a nose. You don’t even have a face! Besides, I am the top cat. You can see it on my crown.
There’s probably an apple polishing machine out there. I hate to imagine what an actual ass kissing machine might look like…
I bet if you Googled it, you’d find directions for it online.
A small mannequin wearing a Steve Tyler mask pops out and plants a big smooch right on the unsuspecting donkey. The RSPCA has in fact banned these machines as being far too frightening for the poor animals.
Time for a trip to Mexico!
Now, you know, … you can put, uh, lipstick on an a$$. It’s still an aSS.
Not to get too theological, but I wonder how many asses Steven Tyler could kiss at once.
The small type at near the bottom of the machine assures you that it is -
Beyond your Expectation!
What is your expectation?
Not very high. Frankly, the machine doesn’t try very hard… I was disappointed. When I asked if those jeans made me look fat, all it said was “You look fine!”
That is scarcely flattery.
This machine has a foot fetish. Show it your toe-nail polish.
It was probably designed by a man and therefore didn’t provide the correct answer to that question.
If it had been designed by a woman it would have answered:
“Wow, those jeans make you look even slimmer, have you’ve been losing weight?”
Exactly! And it should have said, “nothing could possibly make you look fat!” in a sincere tone.
Lousy machine!
A man would know that these comments are useless, because there is nothing that a man can say about a woman’s weight that will not cause trouble. “Those jeans make you look even slimmer” is bound to bring the retort, “Oh, so you didn’t think I looked slim before?” “Nothing could possibly make you look fat” would bring, “I’m asking for your help here, and you’re just giving me BS.” So whenever my wife asks any question even remotely related to weight, I develop a sudden fit of coughing or an urgent need to dash to the bathroom.
Note the injunction for the sincere tone.
So, THAT’S what a flattering machine looks like…